It was a tad cool in Bahrain yesterday. I am told by people who think they understand these things that this is caused by global warming. As I wandered about, I suddenly felt like I was in a zoo, at least metaphorically-speaking. It felt like a butterfly house, with the colourful folk of F1 fluttering around and landing here and there, to do whatever it is that butterflies do. It is a funny zoo, with a strange selection of animals. The one thing that you notice straight away is that there is a blooming great elephant standing in the corner of the paddock. In the finest traditions of elephants in rooms, he is being ignored by everyone. His name is Munich and at some point shortly he will blow air through his trunk and make a very loud trumpeting noise and will charge down the paddock, tusks glinting in the sunlight, to take on the 800 lb gorilla that is sitting at the other end of the paddock. Until that happens everyone is politely saying nothing lest they cause upset. The gorilla is called Bernie and he is going about his business as usual, eating all the peanuts that the public throw at him through the bars of the paddock, and pondering what next to do. He has a fine old time, as 800lb gorillas tend to do. He can sit wherever he likes and he just loves those golden peanuts. He is aware of the elephant and is rather worried that it might come along and sit on him, which would be a painful experience. I must say the animals that give me the creeps more than any others are the smiling hyenas of CVC. You don’t see them much but when they do come out you find carcasses, stripped of all meat, lying around… There is also a big red bull that thunders about when it gets angry but like most bulls, this one blows a lot of air through its nose but doesn’t really want to get into fights.
The good news is that there are tigers in the zoo, as well. But you only see them until Sunday afternoons…
Right now, there is nothing much happening in the F1 zoo, although around the world there are a bunch of monkeys with typewriters, spouting forth gibberish about the sport. This keeps the world amused, but it is of very limited value. Everyone else is waiting for the elephant and the gorilla to go head-to-head to find out who is the king of the F1 jungle.
joeblogsf1 
Any vultures hanging around?
Lurking behind the hyenas…
You are being very unfair to vultures and hyenas!
they serve a purpose, but if it’s your carcass being picked over, they deserve their rep.
What is about Bernie remark as Haas is ready for 2015?
He does not make the decision.
Brilliant! Great way to start the day.
Analogy that is right on the target.
Thanks for your ‘eagle’ eyed observation….
Brilliant for reading and spot on I would say. Curious to understand who you would describe as crocs?
Watching the Indycar opener last weekend alongside the Malaysian GP, finally realised the big difference between the two and the reason I’ve been falling out of love with F1 compared to the IRL (and BTCC, NASCAR, WEC, GP2, F3, etc, etc).
No one in F1 really seems to be enjoying it. The drivers mope around in the shadows, only emerging from their trailers when forced to by their team or the FIA. They speak in PR-talk and non-answers. On the grid, aside from the celebrities and the dignitaries, no one is really talking to each other. No team mates really seem to enjoy working together. The atmosphere just seems downright depressing. Even the TV commentators seem pretty non-plussed with it all. The drivers are literally starving themselves, so perhaps I can let them off looking a little glum…
I couldn’t help contrasting it with the scenes in St Pete – drivers laughing and joking with each other on the grid, everyone seemed to be having a great time. The TV commentators are genuinely funny and seem to just love watching a motor race. Even after the race, with the main topic of conversation being Will Power’s bizarre restart, the drivers were talking openly, with humour and even seemed like they’d enjoyed the race.
On my Sundays, I basically want to see cool likeable people having fun racing in awesome cars. But F1 nowadays just seems a clinical corporate exercise for accountants and analysts, aiming to move sponsored computers on wheels from point A to point B in minimal time and with maximum ROI.
Is the vibe in the paddock as downtrodden and depressed as it seems on TV?
I am enjoying myself immenesely and so are most of the people I know.
With respect Joe, and out of curiosity, since they make up the majority of the workforce, how many factory-based, non-travelling F1 employees do you know or talk to?
Obviously I do not encounter many of them. But as they are not mentioned in my post I do not understand the reference. If you are interesting the monkeys with typewriters as non-race staff you are misinterpreting the sport. That is the stay-at-home media.
“the people I know”, sorry, I misread you Joe!
The factory based animals include CAD monkeys as the designers and Mesh monkeys(1) and Tube rats (2) in the Aero departments.
(1) CFD engineers and (2) Wind tunnel testers.
Quite chuckle………
oh I’m sure the journalists are having a whale of a time 😉 thanks for the response Joe.
Spot on. Those who seem to best enjoy this new F1 are those making a living from it.
It’s the coverage, not the sport. Mark Webber did a great report for the BBC – watch that.
The fact that Bernie is in his 80s and facing charges with no succession plan in place is a disgrace. Can’t help but think F1 is making its own troubles.
Nick, yes, F1 may be heading for trouble (no change there) but what is your opinion about the business/sport model BE has created? The one that over the years has created tens of thousands of jobs and careers over many industries larage and small
There is a myth that Bernie alone spotted F1 racing and it was him that made it one of the biggest sports in the world. This is crap. F1 was regarded as one of the biggest spectator sports in the world in 1972. The TV rights for the 1976 Japanese opened many peoples’ eyes to F1’s potential. Bernie just happened to manipulate himself into control of the sport at a time when the big money started to be paid for TV rights of many sports. Mark McCormack’s company, IMG, one of the true pioneers of the professional sporting era and the first sporting super agent, also looked at F1 at this time.
With or without Bernie F1 would have become the huge thing it has become. It has always had a huge fan base all over the world. When I was young I had posters and models of F1 cars. This love of F1 was fed by my dad’s copies of Road and Track and Motorsport magazines that arrived in Australia months after the races had been run. The real highlight came on my birthday in August when I was a copy of the current Autocourse.
That was one kid in Australia. All over the world there were millions like me. Being able to watch that Japanese GP was a dream come true. And if Mark McCormack had been the one to get control of F1 then? I believe the sport would be run more openly with less chance of corruption. There is certainly no chance the head of the sport would be in his 80s, facing bribery charges, with absolutely no succession plan.
Maybe if there had been truly good marketing F1, its teams and drivers would have seen some of the billions of dollars missed in merchandizing. NASCAR was making so much money from this for so many years that when a driver from NASCAR was offered a chance in F1 one of the reasons he gave for refusing was that he didn’t want to take that much of a pay cut.
If, instead of Bernie and his vampire like mates sucking 50% of the money out of the sport there could have been IMG taking an industry standard 15%, there would be enough room for 20 good promoters in 20 countries to put on such well run races that they can all make a profit, which would free the sport of the over $600 million it rips from various governments all over the world.
IMG are a visionary company that has been well run since it created the very field it operates in.
Bernie is an ex-secondhand car salesman facing bribery charges.
The sale of F1’s rights for 100 years is one that should be gone over with a fine tooth comb because I can’t see how that deal made any sense.
Exactly right. I used to skip elementary school when Austrian TV was broadcasting F1 races on Tuesday morning in the 70’s. Mind you I was living in communist Czechoslovakia but all the boys in my apartment building were fans of F1. We were living in Bratislava which is on border with Austria and we had Austrian TV access (not that it was allowed).
We used to make little devices from plywood and two cut hockey sticks for axles. One was permanently attached in back and the one on front had pivot point for steering. For wheels we used ball bearings. We painted them as F1 cars. Mine was Tyrrell with big white elf emblems. Then we raced on the sidewalk by kneeling on the board hands on the front axle and pushing ourselves with the other leg. On weekends went to hills and raced down hill.
Those times were the greatest as it was still not under the tight control it is these days. Lots of characters and all kinds of tinkering and “improving”. All going on intuition as there were no wind tunnels or millions and millions spent. Good times.
So you are right, F1 would be still immensely popular even without Ecclestone.
With deepest respect, you base your comment upon assumption, I base mine on circumstancial evidence – having followed F1 since 1972. If not BE, then someone would have had to panel-beat the infastructure into form in order for it to survive. How do you think F1 (as a multi $billion Global sport/business)would look now, if it were not for investment and the mindset that seeded it? I’m not saying that I like or dislike the Ringmaster, but am doubtful we’d have the show of today without his foresight; or that of someone similar.
Your assumption based on “circumstantial evidence” is exactly that. An assumption.
Your argument is that if there was no Bernie Ecclestone F1 would languish or die on the vine. My argument is that F1 would move with the times, as did all other sports, and would be as popular as it is now if not more with somebody else or some governing body at the helm. Somebody who may not have been as greedy as Ecclestone and who would put more money into the sport instead of funneling majority of proceeds to totally disinterested for profit investment company.
Ben, I really dislike Bernie’s model. The fact is that I have to try and justify to my step mum the $55 million, (?), that the Victorian Government pays to host the Australian GP every year at the same time my stepsister is working in the states health system and is constantly told that she has to make cuts that harm patient care because the state is broke.
I hate the fact that that dodgy governments can pay Bernie large amounts of money and run a race to empty grandstands while the BRDC are given are hard time for running a race of great tradition to packed grandstands and whose every effort is going to the betterment of motorsport.
I hate it that Bernie is talking down F1’s current regulations. In the 80s Kieth Duckworth proposed a formula based purely on fuel flow. No restrictions on engine type, capacity or turbos. If F1 had had a truly visionary leader and this had been adopted can you imagine the solutions they would have come up with? Every time green concerns about F1 were raised we could say, “But all these engine developments came from F1.” Instead we have the leader moaning about the lack of engine noise. Bugger engine noise. For the first time since the eighties we have cars with more power than grip and I love it.
I cannot understand how the TV rights for 100 years to a sport which is self described as one of the three biggest along with the Olympics and the football World Cup can be worth a fraction of the money that that the Australian Football League can get for 2012/16, (F1 $US100mill for 100 years, AFL $Aus1.24 billion for 5 years).
There is something seriously wrong with F1 and his name is Bernie.
The money is well spent.
Well played sir.
Now I’m the king of the swingers, the jungle V.I.P
I reached the top and had to stop
And that’s what bothering me ……
Lovely picture, Joe. Methinks F1 needs its own Mowgli any time soon.
I thought that F1’s Mowgli was supposed to be Christian Horner…lol! Very nice analogy Joe….a lot of fun indeed, although as graham228221 says, there aren’t many happy F1 faces on display on the tv…maybe the Suits will order everyone to smile!
I like the Jungle Book analogy. I see Christian Horner as more of a Ka charactor. “let me see what’s in your coils, Ka…..The other coils…(Charlie Whiting, playing Sher Kahn). VJ Malya plays Baloo the Bear; Ron Dennis, Akela the Wolf; Jean Todt, Colonel Han, the marching elephant (not Joe’s elephant in the room) The rest of the FIA would be the Buzzards: “What we gonna do?…I dunno, what you wanna do?….Now don’t start that again!…”
Hi Joe,
Did you not sleep very well last night, or were you having nightmares ??
Enjoy you view on life as always !
I slept very well, thank you.
Thanks for the post, Joe. Whilst the seriousness of the subject at hand can not be ignored (at least to those who closely follow the sport that is), I am curious to see whether CVC make any moves prior to Mr E’s trial. I am amazed he is still allowed to run things, given his alleged misdemeanours and subsequent trial, given that anyone in his position in any other corporation would have been ousted by now. Like you, as with anyone else, I watch with keen interest. All the best.
Gareth
Probably comes down to the face to face work that Bernie has done with many of the race promoters or that he hasn’t relinquished as much information to those who might take his place. Does he have a prime right hand man that assists him in his collection of money from race promoters and tv networks?
Really?
The majority of Formula 1 media would seem to say otherwise…
Fantastic Piece thanks……
Out of interest how long do you think trial will llast and how do you antuipcate this will affect Mr E’s day to day involvcement with F1 ??
There was a report elsewhere that the court had agreed he could appear two days a week and run F1 the rest of the time. I don’t know if it was correct.
I believe that is correct
Brilliant piece
Enjoyable read Joe (as always). There is another another Elephant in the Bahrain paddock, though he is somewhat older and everyone seems less interested in him nowadays. His name is Human Rights Abuses and he seems to be thriving in his this part of the world…
I shall go and see if I can find him, but I fear that the monkeys have been exaggerating again.
Dig in, and tell me what countries that host f1 races don’t have some degree of human rights issues. Sure Bahrain has inequities and problems, but compared to some other locales. Unfortunately the world is neither fair nor perfect. Something anyone above the age of 12 knows.
A very amusing analogy Joe but the creatures you fail to mention are the snakes, surely the F1 paddock is riddled with them and other venomous beings too! Yes the Tigers, Lions and Cheetahs doing what they do best make all the nonsense worth while.
NPG
Yes, and I forgot the cash cow that is being rogered by Red Bull…
+1
What does this mean, Joe?
Look up “elephant in the room” and “800 lb gorilla” on google. It is self-explanatory
I was thinking of Bernie more as a slippery snake than an 800 pound gorilla as well.
Flavio Briatore – now thers an 800 pound gorilla 🙂
No, he’s not important at all…
I was thinking hairy and 6 foot tall 🙂
Surely he was more of a cheetah …
Fantastic imagery and humour, Joe. To get the full impact,I read that a second time,with Sir David Attenborough’s voice in my head. More like this please!
Have you been drinking something??? Nice analogy though!
I have not been drinking enough.
Brilliant!
This is possibly the best post I’ve ever read on your blog, Joe. I’m smiling more than Daniel Ricciardo this morning!
You’ve been on one too many long haul fights Joe!
And it’s only race number 3…
The purpose of this blog is amuse and inform. Embrace that humour and you will enjoy it more.
I enjoyed it Joe, no criticism. It’s just more “out there” than your usual posts.
Still chucking at the thought of Bernie as an 800lb gorilla. Would we term him as a “silver top” rather than “silver back”?
You obviously have a flair for words, and have enough experience and insight into the current state of F1 to judge it in both a historical context and in comparison to other sports entertainment properties…why don’t you write more frequently and more pointedly about the results of CVC’s ownership and cynical management of Formula 1?
The sport’s owners are actually well-served by msm’s focus on alleged fan discontent w/ exhaust note – as if it’s some profound crisis and not just manufactured click-bait drama – for it distracts from the wreckage left in the wake of the “gorilla”, the potential havoc to be caused by the “Elephant”, and the rapacious asset/meat-stripping perpetrated by the “hyaenas” that you allude to.
Behind the scenes stakeholders are fighting over not just money, but also the fundamental nature of Formula 1, as some push for and others struggle to resist the introduction of customer-cars that’s being channeled via a corrupt and opaque governance system that’s disenfranchised half the grid, including teams whose principle raison d’être is racing and supplying
It’s scandalous that half the current grid is excluded from the strategic formulation process – that where before, a Marussia enjoyed input equal to that of a Red Bull or Ferrari w/r/t sporting or technical matters, now minnows don’t even have a seat at the table!
So w/ one exception (see my comment(s) on your WHP post – if you deign to publish them) the very teams responsible for framing F1’s long-term future are the very entities that could, by definition, be the most likely to withdraw from the sport – contracts or not – whereas dedicated outfits like Sauber or Force India have zero say despite extensive (and expensive) track records.
This is a situation masterfully (shamelessly) cultivated by the gorilla and his disgusting, rapacious hyenas.
You obviously enjoy and appreciate F1 enough to work to make a living from writing about it, so why haven’t you been more critical in your coverage of the future of Formula One’s strategy, and the internecine fight for its governance?
That is zoo cryptic!
The elephant and the gorilla are attracting most attention as you say Joe, but I am concerned about the gnus. Now that these rather simple and nervous animals have left the protection given by the herd, they are prey to the ever hungry lions who are constantly prowling around looking for their next kill.
Some gnus have lost the will to live, others are tasty, picking over the bones of all will be sad.
So Joe, the question as always is how does one kill off these hyenas and gorilla for the sake of the sport?
Irrespective of the outcome of the gorilla attack and tigers will only get 50% of the carcass at which time the hyenas will intervene. Not just bones and grissle for these smart hyenas, but meaty flesh/
Yes the above scenario defies logic in nature, just as the business side of F1 defies logic.
My view is that no-one will be bothered if the hyenas get only 15 percent of the meat. When that happens it will be irrelevant who owns the commercial rights.
Without the filing of an antitrust complaint w/ European Commission, however, what’s the likelihood of the hyenas relinquishing 23% more of the total F1 meat-pie? Unlikely, I’d say.
They’re already so keen to remind us that, post-Concorde, in terms of the (bilateral) commercial agreements the teams are now receiving 62% of F1’s underlying revenues, vs. the 47.5% they were allocated under the most recent Concorde Agreement – a claim that, while true, is spectacularly cynical and disingenuous.
The richest, most powerful teams, which have permanent membership in the Strategy Group and are already very well-funded in comparison to their disenfranchised competitors, inequitably split this increased share of $$$ amongst themselves, reinforcing the systemic inequality that’s compromising the long-term health of F1 (as both a sport and a business).
You should write more about this, Joe.
That made my day, thanks Joe
Stephen Likes this post
Awesome article Joe. Loved it 🙂 Thank you.
So why has no one grown some balls and migrated to lands where the grass is greener?
Life without Bernie/CVC, not life after Bernie/CVC.That will solve a lot of the problems
Because it is not possible to set up another zoo.
It is, but very hard, and not with a defeatist attitude.
So Formula 1 from now on is nothing more than an attractive vehicle of revenue being sold off from financial institution to financial institution? The teams revenue share will never change to a level that we deem fair as the majority shareholders primary objective is profit maximization, not to leave the sport in a better place than they found it in.
Single seater cars can go faster for cheaper. This achieves the main concerns of the fans and the teams, each of whom without the series will face an inevitable death.
If we want change that means first of all acknowledging the ownership structure as is has to change, or are we going to continually have this conversation in 1, 2, 5 and 10 years time?
Happy to discuss further at a better time for you.
d’uhr! b/c Bernie/FOM bought them off?!
The top-4 teams all signed lucrative Constructors Championship Bonus agreements, which reward them handsomely (and grant them governance privileges), w/ Williams having scored a one-off “heritage” payment in exchange for Sir Frank’s acquiescence.
Speaking of Williams – why do you think Adam S. Parr, who (at the time) Sir Frank had publicly described only weeks before as the absolute best person available to take over the running of Williams F1, had to resign his position and leave F1 altogether?
Joe, this is why you need to write more – and extensively – about the backroom F1 dealings – some of your readers don’t seem to have even the most basic grasp of their sordid, contemptible, corrupt nature…
But the drivers apparently, in their gilded cages, are starving. Jockeys are positively bloated by comparison. In future one can see surgery to remove weight from the top half of the body and have it implanted in the feet. The trend could be dangerous. Gary H has been writing about it.
DT has a very interesting piece on the F1 website (of all places) on driver weight, too. Good to see an actual journalist’s byline on that site rather than just anonymous hackerie.
Since they are seated and the their feet are raised, perhaps the transferred mass would be inserted somewhere else, perhaps less flattering? Shades of Mansell in the MP4-10? 🙂
On second thoughts, let’s not pursue this line of thought…
Im reminded of that danish zoo that keeps putting down perfectly healthy animals because it can’t afford to keep them and can’t find a buyer.
On an unrelated subject, any news on Lotus?
Enjoyed your visit to the Zoo. Is there a dog there who’s bark is worse than his bite?
Your comment doesn’t reflect the reality of the situations addressed by the Danish zoo, which killed a giraffe and then four lions following sound principles of animal husbandry and the dynamics, needs and constraints of an engineered, desirable pride of lions…
The whole story would likely play better without that bull charging every time it thinks it sees red.
HIlarious,
this has put a smile on my face and put me in a great mood for the weekend.
Thank you, Joe!
Excellent post Joe, Thank you. The Munich process has various outcomes. Would be very interested to read your take on what these might be ?
I am going to wait and see
Formula One has always been immersed in controversy, think back to the spring of 2008 and the News of the World sting/set-up/scandal with Max.
Strangely most folk kept their heads below the parapet and said nothing when that one hit the fan!
I suppose with Mosley gone there is no King of the Swingers
Very droll
I thank you 🙂
And what are the media in this story? The bottom feeders perhaps?
You (conveniently) forgot the media.
The monkeys with typewriters…
The rest of the pack and drivers weren’t fitted with animal likenesses, but brilliant
If your parable is correct, the elephant (Ndluvu) will simply walk over the gorilla, as it does with everything else that may try to challenge it. If it is a Zambesi Valley elephant (rare species) it has sex organs in its feet. If it steps on you, you are f…
Flat?
Haha, excellent Joe. One thing I’ve noticed is the political situation in Bahrain is taking up considerably less column inches this year, I assume things have calmed down a bit after the mass press hysteria over the last couple of years.
Not really, its just that Ukraine is a tad closer, and Vlad has a bigger sabre to rattle, so the monkeys with typewriters are somewhat distracted at the moment (that and the british general populous can a) only manage to digest 1 story at a time, and b) is too fickle to even remember Bahrain 3years ago)
Just brilliant Joe – loved it! It has lightened the smog/dust cloud that is getting the blame for everything in the UK right at the moment.
Great article .. It brings the scene to life for those of us stuck in day jobs
Who is the python who hypnotises you before slipping its coils around you, suffocating you and then eating you?
That would be Christian Horner, just look at the eyes and the tongue.
Haha, Perfect thing to read before the start of practice.Quick question; Who do you think will win? The Elephant or the Gorilla?
The average elephant weighs 8,000 lbs, so the gorilla needs to avoid getting cornered…
The sheep . . .
You forgot to mention the sheep!
The ones that confine themselves to that exclusive pen
With all these predators around, now we know why those horses are always prancing!
LOL
Great piece Joe, brought a smile to my face today!
Wonderful writing – really cheered me up – very witty and telling
Keep up the good work Joe 🙂
When I first learned of you years ago, Mr. Saward, I described you to others as someone straight out of Rudyard Kipling. Looks like I’ll keep doing that. (smiley)
Very funny indeed. Thank you. Made me remember reading Animal Farm as a kid (force feeding) and finding it too long. The F1 Zoo was much too short. These animals are the best.
Joe, I gotta say that I’ve really enjoyed your writing so far this season. This has to be one of the best/most amusing posts in quite some time if not that I’ve read on the site. The combination of opinion, comment, humor, even a bit of newsy-ness.
There have been incredible historical/experiential posts. But this rocked. That’s why I felt compelled to comment. Although it could get old, I’d love to see periodic updates of the traveling zoo of f1 throughout the season. That would be quite fun, especially depending on who McLaren gets as its sponsor and how they do.
In closing there has been a freshness to much of your blogging this year, there were a few times in the past year or two your inner crumudgeon overshadowed the fun side. I have enjoyed seeing some of the fun side balancing that out, and hope the hours of travel go well. Thanks for doing what you’re doing
+1
Inner curmudgeon? That shows how much you know.
So is it not on the inside, or is there not a curmudgeon? Basically I just wanted to reinforce that this was a good, fun post.
What about the ‘allegory’ waiting outside in his brown sainsbury’s apron, handing out orange plastic bags? Will the gorilla move aside and let him run the show?
Why, so he can promote his son onto the grid?
Did you spot a Kingfisher ?
Love this. Quite possibly the best post ever on this blog.
Very good Joe, thanks for my morning chuckle!
Brilliant. As usual indeed!
Wonderful piece Joe, brought a much-needed smile to my face. 🙂
I can easily morph your parable into the animal farm, where all animals are equal, but some slightly more equal.
A nice read, thanks!
Could be a problem though.. Gorilla’s can climb trees, elephants cannot.. But I suppose they could push them over. Also I remember an interesting Attenborough episode where he showed Gorilla’s eating there own.. ahem ‘droppings’ for a warm meal in the morning.. Maybe Bernie has been believing too much of the crap that comes out of his mouth as have we all we all for too long..
Funny! Glad to read something like this, glad to hear that you are having fun – F1 is fun. In terms of the animals, I also would like to put in a word for the bunnies, you know, like the ones that walk out onto the grid.
Brilliant post…
Magical Joe, can’t wait for you to do your memoirs.
( I am ‘old’ so do them soon ! )
JS: If you get tired of the paddock zoo there’s a real one just down the road from the track. Go to the exit and turn left. Lots of real animals there, mostly desert creatures that haven’t yet been shot for sport.
Thanks Gerry, I might pop over there!
Joe, any chance Mr. Donaldson might be a guest when you have ‘An Audience with Joe’ this year in Montreal? Ahh, the F1 stories you two could tell us fans.
Joe, really good blog! Keep it up. If you keep up like this you should bundle it to a book (or an e-book off course) Like the best blogs of the year. We might vote if you want.
Poor metaphor, Joe. In fact, this whole entry is not up to your usual standard.
Read the other comments and notice that your’s is out of step…